Blog Section
Self-indulgent sharing of my emotional state. Warning : Verbose and Melodramatic
26/10/2024, 01:27
Four days ago I went to a local meet of fellow lesbians, sapphic women and girlthings, and I met a bunch of lovely people who made me feel immediate kinship. This is a pretty uncommon feeling for me as I rarely get out and meet new people. I barely made any community yet as I just arrived in this city, and this felt like a big step in that endeavour. I had a great time, I felt connection, understanding. Trying to keep hold of those feelings, I quickly planned a follow up evening a week later with some of the others. I usually do this, always trying to build more lasting bonds, often unsuccessfully.
The point is, when I was walking back to my appartment, I felt as if I had an epiphany. I thought : fleeting moments of connection or intimacy are not inherently less valuable. They're not fakes, or illusion. They really happened : for a while, we comforted each other, able to understand each other's worry. We filled recovered our morale, and steeled ourselves to go back out into a draining routine. Or I thought, very proud of myself, of my philosophical chops and emotional maturity or something.
Tonight I'm having one of those nights. I feel lonely, kinda melancholic, and the memory of that evening is not particularly helping. So here I am posting for the first time on that blog, trying to share those emotions somewhere, anywhere, screaming into the void. The self-consciousness is saying "Oh, how self-centered, how annoying you must be to overshare what you feel at strangers that probably don't even exist, I mean, who is looking at this blog ?". Ha. Anyway, I still think what I said above is somewhat true. I did have a good time, and it meant something then. I think that matters. It seems meaningless now only because I am in the mood of switching off my brain and falling asleep clinging to someone elses warmth. But that's not happening. Oh well.
You know, I do feel better now having metaphorically vomited all that messy text on the screen, sooo... Win ? I might do this again. Unfortunatly for the world.